“We are products of our past, but we don’t have to be prisoners of it.”
Rick Warren
2005
Squeezing my breasts, my left hand slowly snakes its delicate fingertips down my stomach to that aching bud between my legs. Dripping, I can feel the juices from my epicenter slide between my cheeks, wetting the sheets beneath me. He’s breathing heavy in my ear telling me all the places he will explore; all the places his hands, his lips, that thick tongue, and his dick will go. Voice deep, I hear him grunt as he pleasures himself to my moans. Finally, he whispers, “come for me.” Like a moth to a delicious flame I rub my clit vigorously, imagining the day he takes my virginity for real. I feel the familiar sensation in my womb. Toes tingling and curling, I bite my lip in anticipation. Every breath hitched in my chest as my climax nears. Unable to hold it any longer I cry out, “I’m com—.”
“Royal! What the fuck are you doing?” Scrambling, I toss my phone under my pillow and try to cover myself as best as I can, frantically thinking of all the lies I could tell my father, my father of all people, to escape from the horrible reality that my dad caught me having phone sex. There he stood, mortified in the doorway of hell, staring in shock and disbelief. For a man of his deep complexion, I’m certain I saw his face turn green. He backed out of the room and we never spoke of the incident again. He didn’t even mention it to mom and I was alright with that. Little did I know, getting caught wasn’t worth it in the end.
2007
“Mm, yeah, just like that. Fuck me, baby. Oh shit…oh shit. Fuck, baby, I’m coming for you. I’m coming. I’m com— ah!”
His dick was always so sweet to me. I felt proud that I’d chosen the right specimen to give my virginity to. Not the tallest man, but taller than average. 8-pack stomach, could move his hips in all the places that counted. He made me laugh a lot. And we fucked. A lot. So imagine my surprise when after one of the best sex encounters of my life he said, “I gotta tell you something. I got a girl pregnant.”
Mortified, I cried but only because I couldn’t think of a way fast enough to kill him and properly dispose of the body. Hatred. Hate ran through my veins, penetrating me deeply as if he was still inside me. How did he even find the time? We had sex ALL. THE. TIME. But leave it to niggas to always pencil in getting their dicks wet. I should have known better. How did I not see? It’s not like I loved him or anything but we had an agreement that we were fucking each other exclusively. Did honesty not matter anymore?
PRESENT
“And so you’re telling me these two incidents are the reason you have commitment issues today?” asked Dr. Porter.
“Well, obviously not the only reasons but they were pretty crucial in how I approach any romantic relationship. I mean, first Carter then Anjel. The two times I made a choice to be vulnerable and feel emotions I was taken advantage of. Carter was the worst of them. He made me believe he was my friend for 6 years, feeding me lies of us having a future together and how we were meant to be. I believed him. But, of course, because I wasn’t putting out, the fattest and easiest ass came and plopped herself right in front of his waiting mouth and he started to eat off her plate. Literally! And Anjel, Anjel wasn’t even that cute but I felt betrayed that he could do me like that. And, Doc, get this, she was his girlfriend. The whole time, he was hiding me!” Thrown back into my late teen years increased my blood pressure but it was about time I faced the inevitable.
I’m Enyo Royal Sevallah, but everyone calls me Royal. I’m a 29 year old successful interior home designer. I love my job, I love my cozy studio apartment, and I love myself. What I don’t love: my love life.
“Ok, well, let’s focus on recent years, Royal. You mentioned last week that there was a woman. Tell me about her.” said Dr. Porter.
That’s right. I’m a bisexual black woman. I know so many and, yet, it still seems to remain taboo. Many people believe it’s an excuse to hoe around but all it truly means is I’m able to have romantic attractions to both men and women. If you need any further explanation of this concept, look it up. This ain’t a TED talk.
“Tell me about her.”
TO BE CONTINUED…